We had a deal. A simple contract between two married people. It was a wonderful thing, but Uncle Sam interfered and once again the deal is off. Years ago my husband and I agreed that I would do the Girl Scouting adventure with our girls. Later, when our son was older, my husband would enjoy Boy Scouts with our son. It was a perfect plan but never quite seems to work out. In Georgia, my husband spent a great deal of time overseas so I stepped in and worked closely with the Scouts while he was away. I know, no surprise there for anyone who read "All or Nothing". Here in Kansas, things are more balanced (right now) and so I only attend meetings with my son periodically. Unfortunately, I learned something from one of the scouts last week that still bothers me to this day.
Last week the scouts were working on flag etiquette, as well as the proper way to fold a flag. The boys were practicing by making paper flag footballs. It is one of my favorite Scout memories. One of the scouts folding his flag perfectly. So I told him, "Excellent job". He paused, turned and looked at me and asked me if I was being truthful. Ah, yes. I repeated that he was doing a great job. The scout shook his head and explained that he still wasn't sure what I meant by that because his teacher at school would give praise and compliments ONLY when she meant the exact opposite. A compliment was usually followed by her taking your paper and tearing it up. Whoa. Just stop for a second. Why? Why would anyone do that to a class of eleven year old children? Is the world not tough enough? What happened to encouragement? What happened to saying what you mean and meaning what you say? No wonder he was confused.
It didn't end there. As you may know, last Thursday the Midwest was hit with a major snow storm. I was helping my son shovel a neighbor's driveway with his friends. One of the boys addressed a friend of his that was walking past by calling him a derogatory term. The mom in me stepped in me and put an end to that but the boys tried to explain to me that it was a term of friendship. NO STINKING WAY IS THAT WORD A TERM OF FRIENDSHIP. I do have to say it wasn't a swear, but ... I was offended even hearing it. Then it dawned on me how little we say what we mean and mean what we say. Our children are noticing and copying our behavior.
Thinking back I can remember as a child and young teenager that everything we said was said with sarcasm. The words may have been sweet but the tone was definitely not. It was how we communicated. How hurtful we are to each other. It's almost as if we are trying to get our insults/hurtful words out before our friends or acquaintances can do it to us. The faster one can reply with a slicing comeback the more respected the person is in our eyes. Meanwhile, we struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and isolation. As a culture we are dealing with increases in suicide, violence, and life itself becomes increasingly devalued. We struggle to blame someone and something but the truth is we have ourselves to blame.
We stopped telling each other the truth. Or, more correctly, now we use truth as a way to wield our words as weapons in an attempt to "help" the other person see how they are all wrong and we know better than they do. We stopped speaking in love, especially to the ones we love. Not only do we not encourage them, we seem to deliberately tear them down in an effort to "help" them. It is no wonder we feel so alone.
Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way. We can once again learn to speak in love. Encouragement is something that you do as you walk alongside someone. It is gift you give to those you care about that reminds them that they are loved and that they have value. As I finish this, I would ask you to join me in encouraging five people every day for the next week. It can be by text, email, a hug or just the words that you say when you are with them. Let's do our best to change our words and our world for the better.
Last week the scouts were working on flag etiquette, as well as the proper way to fold a flag. The boys were practicing by making paper flag footballs. It is one of my favorite Scout memories. One of the scouts folding his flag perfectly. So I told him, "Excellent job". He paused, turned and looked at me and asked me if I was being truthful. Ah, yes. I repeated that he was doing a great job. The scout shook his head and explained that he still wasn't sure what I meant by that because his teacher at school would give praise and compliments ONLY when she meant the exact opposite. A compliment was usually followed by her taking your paper and tearing it up. Whoa. Just stop for a second. Why? Why would anyone do that to a class of eleven year old children? Is the world not tough enough? What happened to encouragement? What happened to saying what you mean and meaning what you say? No wonder he was confused.
It didn't end there. As you may know, last Thursday the Midwest was hit with a major snow storm. I was helping my son shovel a neighbor's driveway with his friends. One of the boys addressed a friend of his that was walking past by calling him a derogatory term. The mom in me stepped in me and put an end to that but the boys tried to explain to me that it was a term of friendship. NO STINKING WAY IS THAT WORD A TERM OF FRIENDSHIP. I do have to say it wasn't a swear, but ... I was offended even hearing it. Then it dawned on me how little we say what we mean and mean what we say. Our children are noticing and copying our behavior.
Thinking back I can remember as a child and young teenager that everything we said was said with sarcasm. The words may have been sweet but the tone was definitely not. It was how we communicated. How hurtful we are to each other. It's almost as if we are trying to get our insults/hurtful words out before our friends or acquaintances can do it to us. The faster one can reply with a slicing comeback the more respected the person is in our eyes. Meanwhile, we struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and isolation. As a culture we are dealing with increases in suicide, violence, and life itself becomes increasingly devalued. We struggle to blame someone and something but the truth is we have ourselves to blame.
We stopped telling each other the truth. Or, more correctly, now we use truth as a way to wield our words as weapons in an attempt to "help" the other person see how they are all wrong and we know better than they do. We stopped speaking in love, especially to the ones we love. Not only do we not encourage them, we seem to deliberately tear them down in an effort to "help" them. It is no wonder we feel so alone.
Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way. We can once again learn to speak in love. Encouragement is something that you do as you walk alongside someone. It is gift you give to those you care about that reminds them that they are loved and that they have value. As I finish this, I would ask you to join me in encouraging five people every day for the next week. It can be by text, email, a hug or just the words that you say when you are with them. Let's do our best to change our words and our world for the better.
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